There are no puppies in Heaven…

17 Jan

Originally posted 07 September 2009 @

I’m not a religious type (for the record I’m an atheist) but I’m a firm believer, pardon the oxymoron, in respecting the beliefs of others. Specifics aside, most major religions have certain common themes, not least of which is the concept of Judgement Day, End of Days, the Apocalypse, the Rapture, or whatever. Basically a cosmic “everybody out of the pool” moment. The basic premise of the Rapture is that the Chosen will ascend to Heaven and the rest of us filthy sinners will linger for eternity in a literal Hell on Earth.

Now I’m a practical chap and it occurs to me that there are certain aspects of post-Rapture life that are being overlooked. I realise that an eternity spent bathed in light and love and happiness and all that palaver might tend to make one forget that they left the oven on or didn’t pay the phone bill or neglected to water the house plants. But I’m guessing a lot of God lovers are also pet lovers. So when they ascend to Heavenly glory what happens to all their pets? Puppies and kittens, apparently, don’t have souls and therefore cannot ascend into Heaven.

Well thankfully, along comes Eternal Earthbound Pets (EEP) to save the (Judgement) day. EEP offer a service to rescue and care for the pets of all the Chosen who ascend into Heaven. Or as they so succinctly put it, “Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.” For $110 per pet rescue ($15 per additional pet) they will “save” your sinful four-legged friend should the Rapture occur within 10 years of the contract signing.

Taking our collective tongues out of our collective cheeks for just a moment, this site presents an interesting reverse of the usual customer experience. Virtually every commercial business goes out of its way to convince customers that it shares the same values as they do, whereas this site is making it clear in no uncertain terms that they do not share the same values as their potential customers; they state quite plainly that they do not believe in neither the Rapture, religion, God or God(s). But if you’re going to sell someone something you have to find some common ground, and the one point they emphasise which I imagine resonates with their customers is that they are good people who love pets. This is one of the key themes in the writings of Richard Dawkins, the Crazy Harry of atheism, that you don’t have to believe in God to be a good person…religion does not hold a monopoly on morality.

It may sound like a joke (and a number of Christians have taken offence to the idea that they, and their religion, are being mocked), but the site owners offer plentiful assurance that they are serious about this undertaking, although they clearly have a sense of humour:

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29*, negating any chance of salvation.

(*”But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin”)

A world full of atheists, puppies and kittens? Now THAT sounds like Heaven to me…



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